I thought everything will go well but taking those CET’s felt hell
Never felt this pain before, never felt this sadness way worse even more
What did I do to deserve to cry myself out on the floor?
everything was a mess and bit by bit I’m becoming a person of distress
UPCAT results came out and I knew I wouldn’t even have a chance. Filling that application out, I told myself “Why not try even if I have that 0.01% chance?” I chose Los Banos cause I knew people wouldn’t even make that as their school choice. I chose the course, Vet Med that only a few would take. I chose the things that maybe can make me get in through that dream school. I never stopped hoping tho I know I did very bad taking the test; I prayed; I believed and really hoped but it turned out that there was not even a slightest chance for me. I was feeling the unusual hurt, sadness and pain that I wasn’t suppose to feel but why? It was a good thing I learned to accept and surely, “God has a better plan for me”. Honestly, I was really hoping I could prove something to my parents and that bet my parents made? (My twin brother would surely get in UP for a bet of 25 centavos and I will get in UP for a bet of nothing) I wanted to prove to them that they’ll both lose the bet. I also wanted to prove to them that I’m not that stupid compared to my twin, but again, I couldn’t.
ACET results came out and I thought maybe I’ll get that little chances. I’m not smart and not even good at something but through my application form I thought that maybe I have a chance to be an Atenean because I joined many activities and had no cases and my scores weren’t that bad. It was just average. My essay was in Filipino that many wouldn’t even do. My application was pleasant to look at, but then again, I really couldn’t tell. I hoped that Ateneo was for me but it turned out, it wasn’t for me. Again that unusual hurt, sadness and pain came to me again and I don’t know why. Passing Ateneo wasn’t my choice and it was really okay to fail it but I just don’t get why I was feeling that way. Maybe, I was hopeful too much. It turned out to be a disappointment. So for the next results, I learned that no to expect anymore. “God has a better plan for me” that’s what I believed in and I thought DCAT was His plan for me.
DCAT results came out. My friend told me my best friend pass. Before I even checked my results, then again, I thought maybe I have that 98% chance of passing too. I was so excited because finally I can tweet, FB, and post “Thank You, J” I knew exactly what to say because this is the school that I was confident that I’d surely get in. Also, I was happy knowing my best friend passed a school. I refreshed the site 1038290 billion times, I didn’t even take a bath yet before I got home haha! And my heart was thumping really fast. Finally the site worked, it showed my name then the status saying, “Not qualified”. Everything stopped for me. I was just staring at the screen and my mom came asking me if I passed. I said, “Nahh. I didn’t pass” acting all confident but deep inside I just really wanted to cry. I presented myself to check my twin’s results. Honestly, I was hoping that we both don’t get in but nahh that’s to mean of me haha! But I checked his and yup! He made it. I was happy for him honestly but I’m not happy for myself. My friend called me on the phone saying how my result was. I couldn’t talk and just suddenly broke down. It really hurts to be rejected especially when you are expecting something so much that it turns out to be a disappointment and also knowing most of your friends pass and only you didn’t. I felt ashamed, stupid, and hopeless. I don’t understand why because there are people who passed who I know don’t even try hard in school but why did they get in? I should be happy for them and I am but I just couldn’t accept the fact that I was rejected and they’re not. For days I don’t get myself to pray to God and I just lost the feeling of hope for this quote “God has a better plan for you” really didn’t want to expect anymore and just totally lost the optimism and positivity in me.
USTET results came out and honestly I didn’t want to expect that much anymore but I was still pretty excited knowing my result and maybe just maybe I’d finally have a college. I waited for 3 hours in a cafe place with wifi to check for my result. It was cold and I felt so sleepy and tired but all that I can endure just to see my result. We have classes on the next day and I didn’t even care anymore if I’ll get sleep or not as long as I get to see my result at 12. I really couldn’t wait anymore and just keep refreshing it and finally it came out by 20 mins earlier. I looked for my name. I checked and then again here comes the disappointment “NQ” in both choices with and overall average of 81 and failing both IQ test. The sadness comes again, the pain is there, I wanted to cry my heart out but no tears wanted to fall but I’m feeling my chest hurt. I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I texted my mom and told her about it and honestly I lost hope. I keep telling myself “never lose hope”, “kakayanin”, “positivity”, “I got this”, and “God has a better plan for me” All those words meant nothing to me anymore. I always act strong in front of my friends and tell them those words of encouragement but honestly I can’t even get myself to believe in those words anymore and I was just pretending.
UA&P results came out and I didn’t even care anymore whether I pass or not doesn’t make me feel happy or sad. If I don’t pass, I’m used to it. I had a sudden feeling of sadness but not that much anymore. If I get in, I’ll be happy but not as happy as if I won something or scored an excellent in my test. I didn’t care anymore and the school’s not really something to be proud of with all honesty. It’s not a big school compared to UP, ADMU, DLSU or UST. It’s an okay school but what would people think of me? I’m that stupid? I’m that low? I’m nothing? I failed all my tests? I didn’t care anymore. I just want to get a good school that I can surely make my parents proud. I’m waitlisted for my course and no offense, with that kind of school with only few students applying, you still chose to waitlist someone like me? I guess if this is just all brains in determining their students then I guess I’m really a stupid, dumb one. Again I keep hearing this words “God has a better plan for you” I suddenly doubt that…
At one point everything suddenly was clear to me. The hope was back and my determination for something was beyond what I expected it just to be, my hard work doubles its time and everything else I do or say is just too positive. I don’t want to mourn or lose hope anymore; I got no time for that! I just want stand up and jump towards my dreams. This I truly a great challenge I must conquer and I must conquer it well.
Right now, I have so many ways and doing all means to get a college. I plan to try out for UP Filipinana Dance group, UP Pep and maybe Salinggawi UST. I’ll even try for a certificate course in UP and with my dignity being put to shame I’ll do my reconsideration in DLSU who truly brought all the sadness out in me but it’s okay because I’ll be taking the test again which is something I want when I’ll do a recon. I want to do it in a hard way and not through an easy way. I even planned to take SAT’s but I chose not to because I know my parents can’t afford it and also I don’t want to waste their money anymore. If there is no other choice, then I’ll go through a unknown school and do my best there to be able to shift to UP. I’ll do all that I can to have a college but appealing isn’t my thing, I don’t want to use money or power just to get in the school I wanted because I don’t want to live 4 years of my life in a school who doesn’t even want me but only chose to because there’s no more choice. I want a college who’d accept me for my ability may it be my talent, skills, brains or my personality. I may sound prideful but I don’t want to stoop down on a school who doesn’t want me because they are the one who actually lost someone great. All I got to do now is work hard, be myself and prove those schools who rejected me that I’m not all that. I’m worth it and they just didn’t see the good side in me.
For all the people who gets rejected twice, thrice, four times and even more. Don’t lose hope! I may be saying this, the person who lost all hope but believe me probably God really do have a better plan for you! And it’s a challenge for you to face. Maybe without experiencing all those I wouldn’t be this strong, optimistic, and hardworking. This experience got me to believe in myself and my capabilities. This experience serves me as an inspiration to even face life with courage. This is just the beginning and there are even harder things to face in the future so right now I’m glad I’m experiencing all these. I thank God for this challenge he gave me because of this I truly realized that everyone is there for me and truly care for me. I thank my parents that no matter how many times I failed them they do all means to make me feel better. I appreciate all their efforts to put me back on track and regain my courage. I couldn’t have survived this trial in my life without them. If only they know how much I appreciate every single effort they do for me, I truly truly couldn’t ask for better parents asides from them. I love them soo much and am really grateful for them. I feel sorry if there are times I just reply to them disrespectful, I couldn’t pull myself together to accept rejection and with all honestly I’m not yet ready to start with my fight because I’m still feeling that pain and I can’t wait to be back on track and I just wish it’ll be soon already so I’m sorry to my parents I know they want to help me so much but I hope they can just give me time. I thank my friends for always being there for me and their unending encouragement! it always make me feel better but I hope they don’t misunderstand me for being jealous of them having a college or not being happy for them passing a college. I just couldn’t be as happy as them knowing I still don’t have a college to go to but truly with all honesty I’m so proud to all my friends and really happy that all of them has a college to go to! and I just wish that we will never forget each other.
My college life is as rough as of now but things will eventually be alright soon and hoping it will be. Endless pain, suffering, tears has passed by and hoping happiness will go my way in the future and hoping it will be. “God has a better plan for me” and truly I believe this :)
(c) Jethro L. for proof reading and editing haha